- Then, Now and Forever -

In the middle of a lonely
night,

When the whole world was
sleeping soundly,

But I was wide-awake and
went for a walk outside.

Gazing at the sky above,

I saw millions of glistening
stars

Sprinkled on the dark night
sky.

.

The night filled with
nature’s sounds.

As crickets and other
nocturnal creatures sing in harmony.

Listening to the serenade
that the night brings,

I could feel peace in
everything that surrounds me.

But soon mist of thoughts
shroud upon me,

And forbids me from enjoying
the night.

.

Engulfed by thoughts of not
being able to catch up,

Of not being able to absorb
of what’d been taught in class,

But could only add a few
more ‘stars and comets’ to my collections.

Thus, my mind wanders
whenever stars begin to shower in class.

As it seems like my brain
has began to rust and can’t decipher those facts fast,

And I can’t do anything but
just feeling dismay and disgust.

.

Haunted by thoughts of
losing out to others,

Of not being able to be on
par with the others,

And not being as good as the
others

Maybe there’s a plain truth
behind these,

That I’m not really that
good or smart,

And not cut out to compete
with those so-called geniuses.

.

I’m tired of these, frankly.

I’ve been battered and
drained, mentally.

Question marks emerge
whenever a ‘star’ is collected.

Tried to seek answers from
peers,

But sometimes my shriek
seems to fall on deaf ears.

Feeling dejected and after
that frustration appears.

.

All I’m asking for is but a
tiny favour,

Of which can either be
accepted or rejected in a polite gesture,

But not being ignored in an
arrogant manner.

I seek only answers, not
blood or money,

But searching for a simple
explanation to wet my curiosity.

It is but just a simple
request from a guy in need.

.

Gentle breeze softly
caresses the rustling trees,

Chasing away the thick mist
surrounding me.

The night sky was finally
clear to see,

With Sirius shinning ever so
brightly.

And the melodious tunes of
insects was heard again from afar,

While my soul finds solitude
beneath the moon and stars.

.

~ Haiz…Another piece of crap
from a desolated guy…zzz…~

- sirius -

The silence between us is as torturing as it can be,
Causing my heart to sink like a pebble thrown into a sea.
A longing to be seen, a calling to be heard.
But we pass by each other without saying a word.

Your glistening eyes permeates thru the dark clouds of the night,
And to see you smile back at me was such a wondrous sight.
I long to peek thru the holes in the walls of your mind,
To explore the thoughts you’ve garrisoned all this time.

A seed of friendship is sowed within our hearts.
But how could it sprout if we don’t know how to start?
How could it grow if we don’t do our part?
How could it blossom if we still remain far apart?

Frankly, all it takes is one word from either of us.
One magic word to break this undying curse.
But being the shy and reserved person of both of us,
The distance between us may have just expanded to a few more inches.

Like a flickering flame of a candle burning dim,
The future for both of us looks hopelessly grim.
It seems like we’re destined to be strangers for the rest of our lives,
As we never really said hi and there will certainly be no goodbyes.

Is this the way things were supposed to be?
That the fairytale ended just before it began.
Perhaps it is fate rearing its ugly head again.
Torturing souls in infatuation whenever there’s a chance.

Knowing full well that we may never cross paths again.
If our friendship ended even before it really began,
For it is ultimately up to us to choose,
If this opportunity is one we are willing to lose.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step,
But there are obstacles along the way that we had to adapt.
Out of the fear of rejection and the risk of loss,
Are we not willing to bear the cost?

Watching the sands trickling down the hourglass,
Very soon the present will become the past.
Each and every moment passes by so fast.
“ How long will we wait?” is the question we must ask.

~ Dang… Pointless crapping. A poem edited from the original one in the newspaper (Sue me for plagiarism then. Duh…)~
- [ SiRiuS ] -

I stop for a while and take a step back,

Recalling of what I’ve done for a dozen months back.

Glad that I’d made it this far without swerving much from the undesirable track,

Yet for now, it is nowhere near for me to get slack.

.

I started off the year great working at Giant.

The very place where the men and women in red are working.

Though at times we may seem to be playing the fool or being defiant,

Still, we worked our hearts out there and enjoyed the whole thing.

.

These lasted for two months and then I worked at Cosmart.

Still clad in red but I didn’t realise that the worst part is about to start.

As working over there was anything but fun and interesting,

And it seems like the constant lagging of time had made it more torturing.

.

Anyhow, months later, school reopens eventually.

As life goes on and I’ve proceed to yet another crucial stage of my life.

But current school life was tougher than ever frankly,

And I can’t just rest on my laurels but could only strive to survive.

. 

But I do admit that my studies had not gone a smooth way,

As all I did all year long was just laugh and play.

In the end there’s a heavy price for me to pay,

And all I can do is to accept it with disgust and dismay.

.

Everything I’ve done seem to be falling apart.

It not only had hurt my pride but also my heart,

And now it’s healing itself as it was torn apart.

Causing me to dare not make a new start.

.

Well, it is about time for me to clean up my mess,

And there’s no time for me to sulk and protest.

Although my own will is brittle and that I confess,

But I will certainly be trying my very best.

                         ~                                                                            

In more than one week or so, it will spell the end for year 2006. This year has brought forth joy, despair, infatuation, betrayal, dilemmas and chains of interesting events. It was indeed an eventful year for me. All in all, 2006 is quite a decent year for me except for my studies though. Looking back, I’m glad that I’d made it this far while meeting new people and making new friends, be it from King’s, school or IKBN. It was really nice knowing you guys. The friendship forged will certainly be cherished. Well, as we kiss goodbye to year 2006, let’s hope and pray for a better year 2007. As how next year will turn out will be the outcome of our future (especially for us – STPM candidates).

                                                                                                 - [ SiriuS ] -

           Yesterday, at about 7.41pm, I returned to my hometown – Penang. Just before I entered my house, I was greeted by the yapping of my pet dog as it thought I was a stranger by then. I’ve expected this as I’ve not been around for ten days and I brought along two big luggages with me. But not long after that, its yapping somehow turned to waggling of its cute, short tail after recognizing me. Feeling tired yet relieved, I entered.

       Whoa… What a great feeling it was to be back here again especially after hitching on hostile, foreign land for ten long days. This is the longest period of time that I’ve been away from home and I can’t imagine those who went for National Service for three long months. Anyway, I’ve participated a 10 days stint Jati Diri camp organized by the government. Somehow in someway I volunteered to participate this camp as the places offered are limited for our school. Some friends around me question my decision as there will be many Ms participating it and because of the long period of the camp. Initially, I doubted my ability to go through this whole thing but I went anyway as I have nothing to do for holiday. Not to mention I don’t have to pay a penny for this camp. It’s free. Read my words. ABSOLUTELY FREE.

          Ten days away from home with six days in Kuala Perlis and spending the last few days with our foster families in Sg. Udang. Expect the unexpected there goes a saying. But what I got from the first six days of the camp is way below my expectations. At first I thought there will be a lot of tough physical activities held but the only so-called physical activities we had is the aerobic exercise held every morning at 7am. There goes the Flying Fox. There goes running through obstacles. There goes ‘kayaking’. Oops!! There was ‘kayaking’ actually… But it’s on the FLOOR!!! Can you imagine that!!! We had to form a line with the person behind had to put their legs on the thighs of the person in front. In order for the ‘kayak’ to be able to move, we had to ‘row’ the boat with our bare hands and drag our butts with it. Some people bruised their hands while I heard some people almost torn their pants. Sigh…Pity.

         Another let down of the first six days was the boring ceramah or talks that we had to ‘endure’. On the second day of the camp, we had to sit for a talk on ‘Manusia sebagai Khalifah’. This topic may be fine for the Ms but for us, Cs and Is, the subject is a total crap and uninteresting. The talk even inspired me to pen down a brief poem bout it…   

Here I am, slouching on a chair, wondering aimlessly.

Of the reason I’m here, staying on foreign state, wandering soullessly

My mind, it seems, has gone lost in the mist

My heart, it seems, is still there at least.

The lecturer keeps mumbling, this and that, about who created this world.

But my mind keeps asking, here and there, when will he be stopping.       

And that virtually sums up all the talks that we had to attend for the next few days. Boring, boring and downright boring.

           Actually, there’s another thing that I would like to mention about the Ms. That is punctuality. They can’t seem to be able to be punctual in EVERY activity. Every time there are latecomers and the activities had to be delayed. Also, we had to bear the brunt just because of those latecomers. However, not all Ms are like that. I was fortunate to have three good Ms as my roommate in the hostel. They are just downright friendly and we can discuss any topic under the sun. And not to mention, they are good guitarist too. They will be performing in Pesta held at Sg.Nibong this year.

            People say that birds of the same feather flock together. And so do we Cs especially from our school. We manage to gather earlier in front of the hall in every activity. There, we discuss issues, we sing together and we play games together. Just like a one big family. Although our members are few – 37 out of 172 (27 is from our school), we managed to grab almost all the high posts – ‘penghulu’, group leaders (err… I’m one of them) and AJKs.

            Ahhh… the 7^th day of the camp. The day we left that dreadful place and head to our foster families in Sg.Udang. Every participant of this camp has to take part in this ‘keluarga angkat’ programme. We were very nervous at first as we were worried of how are we going to spend the last few days with them. There are about two to six ‘anak angkats’ per family. Luckily, the foster family that I got is very nice and damn rich too. Hahax.. My time at that place was spent on playing with the kids around the village with activities such as badminton, basketball, karaoke, poker, bluff etc. Also, I got the chance to go out to sea with friends by boat and visit the fish-rearing place. Although there’s a slight drizzle when we visit that place, we were happy and enjoyed it very much. And, the feeling when riding on the boat is just intangible and we had so much fun on it. We talked, we joked, we poked around each other and more. All these are done while we’re admiring the scenery that brushed past us. Whoa… that feeling is just so pure and totally undefined.

             Alas, the last and final day of our 10 days stint. I was reluctant to leave my foster family and that village because the people there are extremely friendly and nice. They live in harmony unlike people in Penang who live in hostility. My foster siblings (there are 4 of them) even begged us to visit them during the coming Chinese New Year. They even took a picture with us, print it straight away, put it in a white envelope and gave it to us when we’re about to leave the house. It’s just so sweet and touching. Not to forget, our foster parents also gave us two fresh fishes for us to bring back to Penang.

             All in all, I enjoyed this camp especially the foster family programme and I’ll definitely be visiting them next year. Hmmm… It seems like I’ve crapped quite a lot dee and my eyes is starting to get weary. Well, this may be the last time that I’ll be blogging in long paragraphs though. Back to poem writing then… Hehe =D

.

It is time that makes us happy,

Again it is time that makes us sad.

It is time that brings us to this reality,

To appreciate what we once had.

.                                                                                                             

                                                                                                                                     - SiRiuS -

Long ago, there lives a heavenly creature.

A bird that sings but only once in her life.

Yet she lives in her nest no matter winter or summer,

As she waits for the perfect moment to arrive.

.

Another sunrise marks the starting of another day.

Yet that day marks the day of a whole new beginning.

For she has been waiting for that very day,

To spread her wings and start flying.

.

With her wings widely spread and flapping,

She took off and left with tears flowing.

For she vowed never to return again,

No matter how much she will suffer from pain.

.

Countless days and nights she went flying,

Countless lands and mountains she went searching,

For the longest, sharpest thorn a plant can ever have.

Until she found one, she will never be resting.

.

Alas, she found one after enduring much hunger and thirst.

Then she dives towards the long, sharp thorn, breast first.

And the thorn pierced through her fragile, little body,

As blood oozes out from the poor little creature.

.

Impaled on the longest, sharpest thorn,

She began to sing as if she was just reborn.

And she rose above her agony to sing a perfect melody,

A wonderful melody that’s sweet enough to be a heart’s remedy.

.

She sang till her voice gone soft and frail,

But she out-sang even the lark and the nightingale.

She continued singing till her very last breath,

For she fears nothing of her incoming death.

.

Sadly, her voice ceased and finally she was dead,

As blood from her body dyed the soil underneath red.

The heavenly bird traded her life for that one song,

And the whole world was captured to listen and wept along.

.

                                                                                      - SiRiuS -

.

~ Heard of this story before? It’s a story behind the song <刺鸟> by F.I.R ~

.

~刺鸟~

也许就是要等     一白个世纪      

我们才能够发现   真爱的美丽

龙舌兰的花朵       不代表讯殉丽 

选择燃烧了自己   将真爱延续

就像刺鸟的宿命   悲剧却勇敢      

用生命交换了结局的灿烂   

天上的风      被谁推开   

温暖的手      是你的爱

我还再等待  等待你的爱  真实呼喊

天空晴朗    心情很蓝   

紧握的手     决不松开

怎么不回来  怎么不回来   刺鸟呼唤

天空晴朗    心情很蓝   

紧握的手     决不松开

我穿越伤海  最美的答案   是你的爱      

Not too long ago, quite recent actually.

A person’s love story revolved around me.

Anticipating what happens next somehow became my hobby.

It is as if like watching an indulging serial drama on TV.

.

This lad whom I’ve known for a few months only.

Is indeed handsome, charming and downright friendly.

The girl whom I’ve known for years already.

Is indeed rather cute, adorable and downright lovely.

.

A prince charming meets a beautiful princess.

“ What a perfect couple they would be,” some would say.

But there’s something that I would like to confess.

That the story doesn’t just end here, sad to say.

.

The ironic part of the story,

Is that they rarely see one another face to face.

Nor did they really talk to each other face to face.

So the question lies on how they know each other in the first place?

.

There’s a service called sms that everyone is using.

And that’s how he usually keeps in touch with her.

As smsing each other had then became their latest fling.

And that’s how their relationship began to foster.

.

The text messages they exchanged grew frequent by the day.

And so do his feelings towards her grow deeper by the day.

But deep down inside, he longed to meet her one day.

Someday, some place when the time is moving their way.

.

Finally, he braved himself to meet her one day.

And popped the question along the way.

But what he got in return was a total dismay.

That left him numb and in a total disarray.

.

I wonder…

How could something that pure turn so awry?

But I do realised that’s part of our much cruel reality.

And I can’t do anything but just feeling sad and sorry.

Even though he had made use much of his opportunity.

.

Frankly, I do admire his courage to do so.

And I applauded his bravery to just say go.

Although the answer he got is a disappointing no.

But those are the traits that I still lack though.

.

So, it seems like there’s no more fairy tale ending.

As it turns out different from what I’ve been hoping.

Maybe it is fate doing its evil thing.

That leads to this undesirable ending.

.

                                                                                         ~ Maybe it is something that just

                                                                                                  not meant to be. ~

                                                                                                          - sirius -

                                                                                                            

                                                                                                              

Twinkle, twinkle little star

It lies high above me so far

Every night I gaze it from afar

Every night I wish upon that star

For chances that I long for so far

.

A windy night, another lonely night

Just like any other night

I wished with all my might

Upon that glistening star

Still, the chances I longed for are nowhere in sight

.

I knew from the very beginning

That chances do not drop so many

Like the dried, yellow leaves in the autumn

Nor do they fall so frequently

Like the intricately shaped, white snow in the winter

.

Still, I’ve not given up any hope

I will never cry or mope

Nor will I ever be in despair and sorrow

As there are always another tomorrow

Another day for my longing heart to bulge and grow

.

Twinkle, twinkle little star

How I wonder did you hear

All my wishes loud and clear

Or am I wishing for nothing?

Will there ever be a happy ending?

.

I wonder…

Will I ever get my chances?

Will I ever make any advances?

                                                                         - sirius -

The importance of things is never felt, until it is lost

Lost, lost, eternally lost

It seems that I can’t get over this loss

I want to get it back, no matter at what cost

.

I can’t lose something that I had longed for so long

I wont lose it no matter what goes wrong

Yet somehow, something must have gone wrong

Still, I can’t find the answer after pondering so long

.

I guess I got only myself to blame for this

As there are chances that I didn’t grab and cease

Chances that are hard to come to say the least

Chances that I let them slipped off just like grease

.

You seem like being blown away like a string-broken kite

That soars high into the sky and way out of my sight

It keeps on rising and disappearing no matter day or night

But what will happen if I hold on to the string firm and tight?

.

My eyes can’t seemed to find you

My voice can’t seemed to reach you

My touch can’t seemed to sense you

But my mind can’t seemed to forget you

.

Never have I felt so much hurt and pain

Is there any escape from this eternal rain?

With time, I hope to heal this excruciating pain

In time, I shall learn to love this soothing rain

.

Now that you are gone, I could just stand and stare

To look at what once was, now completely plain and bare…

                                                                                                                            - sirius -

You are but a memory to my lonely heart

That fills my head whenever we’re apart

Memories of you that I’ll never discard

Memories that occupy no other place but my heart

.

You are but a memory that is so valuable

That nothing in this world is exchangeable

But it seems that to forget you is simply impossible

As the tendency of thinking you seems natural, it’s uncontrollable

.

You are but a memory that is so unique

That it sweetens my heart dreaming of it

But sometimes it does pains the heart thinking of it

Whatever I do, I’m still longing for it

.

Yet, somehow…

.

You are but a memory that keeps moving away

I tried to grip it but it keeps slipping away

There is nothing I can do to make it freeze and stay

All I can do now is just hope and pray

.

You are but a memory that is quickly fading

And nothing I can do to stop it from dwindling

But only you can stop that from happening

Because your presence is far better than me missing

.

~ Your presence is by far better than the thought of the past ~

.

                                                                                   - [ SiRiuS ] -

This pain I’m suffering, is abstract yet still distinguishable

But to eradicate this pain for good is purely impossible

This pain within, is excruciating yet still bearable

But how long could I stand its wrath before I tumble

.

All these begun after venturing into the path taken

A path that once wished to be forsaken

But somehow being nagged into this predicament

Unwillingly, adhered to what had been chosen

.

I was broken and shattered and that I confess

As I think things are going to be in a mess

But what can I do besides cry and protest?

All I hope for now is that things will turn out to be the best

.

Frankly, I envy those who had things their way

I wonder, when I am going to have my own say?

What can I do now is just hope and pray

Hope for things will get better each day

.

I knew from the beginning that this path is not easy to follow

And I doubt this wound will heal even after dozens of tomorrow

But there is no use for me to be in despair and sorrow

As things are going to get better and brighter tomorrow…I hope…

.

~ Yesterdays are not ours to recover,

    But tomorrows are ours to discover~

.

                                                                                                       -[ SiRiuS ]-